The vaporizer business became a $2 billion dollar industry in 2014, the year Pablo Escobar would have turned 65 years old--prime vaping age for a guy who smoked joints all his life. Research shows the health benefits of vaping makes it 95% safer than smoking. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that Escobar, who had a soft spot for his family, would have had an existential moment around this age and switched over to vaporizers--had he not been shot to death by the CIA and Colombian authorities when he was 44.
So what kind of vape would suit the man responsible for trafficking 80% of the cocaine snorted in the US? In other words, what’s the most badass vaporizer on the planet? From desktop to portable--we’ll run through some principal suspects.
Escobar Was a Social Smoker
If Escobar were alive today, he’d be 7th on Forbes’ list of the richest people, with a networth of 30$ billion. The guy had some money to splurge on a good vape, which makes it safe to assume he’d go with a desktop vaporizer. The conical crock pot design of the Volcano Classic vaporizer would have suited Pablo’s vintage 80s style while reflecting his volcanic rise to power. And the ideal temperature, density, and flavor of its vapor production would appeal to his perfectionism.
The Volcano vaporizer would also accommodate Pablo’s penchant for enjoying dry herb with company. As Mark Bowden, author of Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World’s Greatest Outlaw told Salon, “He was stoned a lot, and when he was stoned and relaxed he would tell stories.”
The Volcano Classic, hailed by many as one of the best desktop vaporizers, is ideal for a storyteller stoner like Escobar. Vapers sit around this stationary unit like a campfire, vaping balloon bag style and passing it around the room. The silver-plated look of this unit’s exterior would also give Pablo a creative way to use his famous plata o plomo (silver or lead) line during particularly intense vape sessions.
Escobar was a busy man. In the span of his career, he was responsible for the bombing of a plane, the assassination of a presidential candidate, and the murders of scores of politicians, police officers, lawyers and judges--not to mention operating a drug cartel that bulldozed in more than $70 million per day at the height of its power. Pablo would certainly need the best portable vaporizer for that kind of on-the-go lifestyle.
Pablo clearly wanted it all, so he would have wanted a multi-mode vape pen like the Atmos Bullet-2-Go PLUS vaporizer. This 3-in-1 vaporizer pen utilizes three heating chambers for wax concentrate, eliquid, and dry herb vape seshes, so Pablo could enjoy the skunky sweet, citrusy notes of Colombian Gold or the tropical tones of South American shatter from the convenience of a single vaporizer. Not bad for such an affordable vape pen (it’s only $30).
This particular Atmos vaporizer would also fit nicely in Pablo’s arsenal thanks to the symbolism of its silver bullet design, but he would have also utilized its stealthy compactness. At just 4.5 inches in length, this discreet Atmos vape pen is the smallest multifunction vaporizer out there. That’s the perfect size for stashing away when the authorities turn up, not that Pablo ever shied away from confrontations with the police, anyway. That’s the whole reason he’ll never actually get to try a vaporizer.